What emotion do you think of when you hear the word “grief?” Did you immediately associate it with sadness or depression? That’s fair, as most people do. What’s not talked about as often is the plethora of other emotions that come with grief – and one of the big ones is anger.
Bowlby wrote about anger as a reaction to loss, and likened this to the protest displayed by children after the loss of a parental figure (especially mother) whether temporary or permanent. He concluded that this was to facilitate reunion. He also noted that a similar pattern plays out in adult relationships as well. When we lose someone- through death, temporary separation, divorce, breakup, etc. --there are “seeking” behaviors and longing that go along with that.
When some well-intentioned person attempts to help someone who has experienced loss and grief, they are often met with hostility and rejection. This happens after the grieving person may have actually sought and asked for help in the first place. Bowlby wrote that this is because what the person is actually seeking is reunion with the lost loved one, and the helper, recognizing this is not possible, may be trying to pull the griever “back to reality” (acceptance) before the griever is ready, and therefore their goals are diametrically opposed. Grief is a reaction to loss, and the anger that comes with it can be extraordinarily intense, and often seen as out of proportion to outsiders.
At the root of anger is pain. Beneath that pain are layers of other emotions. At the core is grief. And grief is literally painful. Panksepp wrote about the PANIC/GRIEF system in the brain having developed from the PAIN system of the brain.
In the past I worked in retail at a jewelry store. A couple came in one day and the man was extremely angry, visibly and audibly. After yelling at one of the other associates and reducing her to tears, it was my turn. (Great!) After talking to the couple awhile, it became apparent that the disproportionate rage was misdirected. The man’s mother was at that time under hospice care, dying. And the expensive jewelry that he’d meticulously planned for a special birthday surprise for his wife failed to meet his expectations. Fortunately, after addressing the jewelry and allowing the man to talk (vent), his anger dissipated and he apologized to everyone for the outburst. Anyone who has ever worked in retail could probably tell (horror) stories of misdirected anger/rage like this.
Often a counseling or coaching client will present as angry, which can range from general irritability to rage. Sometimes it’s more generalized, sometimes there’s a target, often someone/something that the person blames for the loss. Sometimes it’s at themselves for somehow failing to prevent the loss. Sometimes it’s a higher power or medical professional, or the person who was lost. Sometimes they just seem to be angry at everyone and everything or at someone who had nothing to do with anything but is a “safe” target rather than the actual person/things they’re really mad at. This is displaced anger.
An example occurred when I worked as a hospice bereavement counselor. I had a client who seethed with rage, stomping, yelling, intimidating others, like a giant toddler throwing an outsized tantrum. It became clear that he did not allow any other emotions to be expressed, instead they were all channeled through anger. Once he became aware of this, he calmed a bit and eventually recognized that beneath the anger were complex layers of pain, guilt, regret, sadness, and other emotions he considered too vulnerable to express.
Anger is a tricky emotion. We often deal with it in one of two ways: letting it run rampant or denying and squelching it. Both are destructive. Many times, for men, especially, anger is expressed by funneling other emotions (anxiety, guilt, sadness, shame, regret, etc) into anger and rage. It’s seen as the more socially acceptable emotion to display. Anger can feel powerful and give us a sense of confidence and feeling of certainty, which we may crave. It can spur us to action. Anger itself is neither good nor bad. Think of anger like fire: it can heat your food or furnace, or can it burn your house down if uncontrolled.
“Loss of a loved person is one of the most intensely painful experiences any human being can suffer. And not only is it painful to experience but it is also painful to witness, if only because we are so impotent to help. To the bereaved nothing but the return of the lost person can bring true comfort; should what we provide fall short of that it is felt almost as an insult. That, perhaps, explains a bias that runs through so much of the older literature on how human beings respond to loss. Whether an author is discussing the effects of loss on an adult or child, there is a tendency to underestimate how intensely distressing and disabling loss usually is and for how long the distress, and often disablement, commonly lasts. Conversely, there is a tendency to suppose that a normal, healthy person can and should get over a bereavement not only fairly rapidly but also completely.” (From John Bowlby's Attachment & Loss Trilogy, Vol. 3 pg 8).
He who binds to himself a joy
Does a winged life destroy
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise
A reminder of the ephemeral, flowing nature of life, and not to cling too tightly to anything or anyone--a recipe for suffering--but rather enjoy them while we have them, and realizing nothing lasts forever.
How can I get rid of this anxiety?!?
You may have heard—or asked yourself—some version of the above question. Spoiler alert: you can’t! Sorry to break the bad news to you. Don’t worry though (a form of anxiety!). There’s also good news.
Human beings have anxiety, first and foremost, as a survival mechanism. The stress response, “fight, flight or freeze.” That’s how your ancestors, you, and everyone else kept alive. It alerts us to danger, or potential threats that could lead to danger. The trouble is, in the modern-day world, it’s unlikely that we’re being chased by tigers, but there are a multitude of other everyday events and situations that can trigger those same survival mechanisms. Constantly. And that’s when it becomes problematic.
Uncertainty is a big trigger. Enter this current pandemic, and we collectively have massive doses of unknowns in every direction. There is unquestionably a wide spectrum individually, though no one is entirely unaffected. Even if we think we’re handling things well, there is a pervasive undercurrent of anxiety and stress, always on in the background, sapping our energy, unseen.
That’s our current reality.
But I promised good news, so here it is!
What if, instead of seeing anxiety as an enemy that must be beaten back and conquered, caged, or otherwise controlled, we chose to befriend it? Yeah, I said it. What in the world does that mean??
As I said earlier, we can’t get rid of anxiety, and it serves an important purpose. Recognizing this is the first step.
The next is to become curious. Notice when anxiety, worry, or panic come up for you. Ask it, as if it were a person “what are you trying to tell me or warn me about right now?” See what response you get from yourself. Then ask “is there anything I can do about this now?”
If yes, do that! If not, well, then it’s time to focus on things that ARE within your control. Perhaps that means stepping away from the situation for now, or taking care of yourself by checking in with yourself and addressing your needs, such as hydrating, eating nutritious food if you’re hungry, taking a break, meditating or simply focusing on your breath, journaling, connecting with another person, exercising, taking a walk (preferably outside in nature if possible) or an impromptu dance break (two of my favorites!). Or any number of other actions that work for you.
The point is to change how you relate to anxiety itself. You can do this by noticing when it comes up for you, any patterns you may have (also called “being present” or “mindful), focusing on the things you can actually change, allowing the anxiety emotions to move through and release, and taking care of yourself. Do this often enough, it can become a healthy habit, and you will eventually be able to catch anxiety early and prevent it from getting to such a high degree (or become panic).
Take good care.
Today I looked at the weather app on my phone, to see how long this rain was expected to last. A while later, I realized that I had looked at the app, but had no idea what the temperature was, because that wasn't what I was looking for in that moment. And it occurred to me, wow, that's how people are generally. We see what we look for, and what we believe. All else will be invisible to us.
This is how the human mind works, in fact. If we took in all sensory information available, we would be overwhelmed immediately. So our minds primarily delete anything outside where we habitually, or consciously focus, what it considers potentially important.
Our brains scan our environment based on our thoughts, feelings, experiences, and beliefs--our filters. Much of this is unconscious and habitual. We can also consciously ask a question, then our minds (and nowadays, fingers and Google) will search for answers to that question.
The questions themselves direct the answers we get. For instance, if our focus is negative, we'll get more negative back. The same happens if our focus is positive. So, we can use this system to our advantage, by paying attention to what questions we ask, and also HOW we frame them. In that way we can open up a world of possibilities, by making more of the invisible, visible.
It is unfair for you to ask of anyone something they are unable (or unwilling) to give, and that you are unable (or unwilling) to receive.
I sent this recently to a friend who is struggling with a breakup & depression during this pandemic, but I think it applies to most of us:
On this day, no matter how boring or difficult you may find it, know that you can choose to find ways to make it better. There's always a light in the darkness, though you must choose to see it, or may even need to seek it out. You are not alone, there are people who care about you. Know also that you MATTER...not just for what you can do, but for who you are. Remember that, especially on the grey days. 🤗
The other day, in the midst of this global pandemic, this mantra came to me: "Be visible! You are not meant to remain a best-kept secret."
Come out of the shadows and into the light. Start a revolution if you need to. Lead. Write. Be you. Look forward, not back. Excavate the lessons, take what is useful into the future, leave the rest, release it. Enlist allies, gather support. Be a maverick. Take calculated risks. Don't go it alone, but lead. Be bold. Color outside the lines. Be careful who you surround yourself with. Be a compassionate leader. Let that be your guidance.
Oakwood Cemetery's Death Letter Project - North Carolina was selected as the 2019 Keeping it Personal Event Award Recipient by the International Cemetery, Cremation & Funeral Association
Out of 47 nominations from 3 continents our project was selected as the winner.
https://spark.adobe.com/page/Ik1TyxsWmoguP/ (See the project)
https://spark.adobe.com/page/rIN92zwBzbhz3/ (See Amber's letter)